Friday, May 18, 2012

Finding Happiness

If you asked me back in January 2010 how the next two and a half years of my life would go I would never have answered with the way it has ended up thus far! I'm pretty certain I have learned more about myself in these last few years than at any other point in my life. 

Back then I was just starting to lose what would end up being 144 pounds, was in a very toxic marriage and had already come to terms with the fact that I was never going to live my dream of becoming a mother. 

When I left my ex-husband on Christmas day 2010, I hands-down made the best decision of my life.  Learning of his betrayal was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, but I can say it has definitely made me a stronger person. 

When I moved back home with my parents and brother, I never dreamed of the path my life would take.  I reconnected with a few old friends; one of which was Keith.  Keith and I had been great friends back when we were 20 or so, but nothing more than that.  In fact, neither one of us had ever seen the other as more than a friend. At some point last year we realized we were best friends and ultimately became a couple.  Now we are married, homeowners and expecting our first child.

I will be thirty-three on June 1st.  When I was thirty I decided becoming a mother, a dream I've had since age three, was never going to be a reality for me.  I tried to figure out what a childless life was going to be like. While I wasn't happy with it, I knew I had to let go of that dream if I was going to be able to live the rest of my life to the fullest.

Last Halloween when I found out I was pregnant, I was in complete shock.  I had always wondered what that moment of finding out would be like.  After two pregnancy confirmations and ultimately an ultrasound that showed the babies' heartbeat, I was convinced that I was truly pregnant.  I can remember little moments when I would just start giggling or tearing up because I really never dreamed that moment was in the cards for me. 

Now I'm thirty-three weeks pregnant and the little girl I've dreamed of being a mommy to for three long decades will be here in just over four weeks.  I could type all day and never really be able to put into words how excited and blessed I feel. 

There has been a lot of pain in my life the past two and a half years, but I would gladly walk through it all again to have the life I do now.  I get to fall asleep next to a man who would do anything for me, I get to feel my miracle baby kick in my belly and I am happy for the first time in a very long, long time.