Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Eye on the Prize

After talking with our Obstetrician last week we learned that Harper will definitely arrive via C-Section.  My Maternal-Fetal Specialist will be in charge of doing an Amniocentesis a day before her scheduled delivery.  If the test comes back normal, Harper will be born as scheduled the next day. 

I RARELY talk about this openly, but thought this would be a good place to get my feelings out.  I want to use this blog as a scrapbook of memories for my pregnancy, but also well into the next years with Harper.  I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It mostly stems from 2006 where I had a doctor who refused to listen to my symptoms and basically told me nothing was wrong with me for six and a half weeks.  I won't go into all of the details, but by the time someone would help me, I had less than 48 hours to live.  It's a miracle that I am alive today. 

I've had four major surgeries since 2006 with three of the them being on my lower abdomen.  So, most of the PTSD stems from medical issues and fear of my doctors.  I think one of the worst things that can happen to a person is to lose their ability to trust.  For me to trust any doctor is HUGE!

I have been incredibly blessed with a team of doctors who really seem to have my best interest at heart.  I know they care about me as their patient and I know they care about Harper, too.  I'd even go as far to say that they care about Keith as well! They always do a very good job of reassuring us both that we can get through this pregnancy and get the ultimate prize...Harper. 

I won't lie to you guys and say that I'm not worried about delivery because I am! We've been told there will be two surgeons, two Ob/Gyns, an Anesthesiologist and a team of nurses just to deliver Harper.  Talk about dramatic! I worry about my ability to heal and how long it will be before I can care for Harper the way I need to.  I have to have a full hysterectomy before the end of the year and then hernia repair surgery after that so there is still a lot weighing on both of us. 

Keith is great about telling me to take things one at a time.  I'm a planner by nature and feel like everything has to be in order immediately for me to be able to function.  I guess that's one of the reasons Keith and I compliment each other so well is that he can reel me back in and help me not take on so much at one time. 

I still wake up some days and forget that I am pregnant! Then I feel the back pain and weight gain and reality hits me!!! Ha! Honestly though, I gave up on ever being a mother so long ago.  Harper is the biggest blessing I've ever received.  I can't wait to hold her and gaze into her eyes.  I can't wait for the day she grabs my finger and knows that I am her mommy and am there to protect and love her.  If it means going through this pregnancy and dealing with the struggles of PTSD, I'd do it 100 times over just to have the same outcome; a healthy baby girl! So, I will continue to take things one day at a time and keep my eye on the prize!